


So Long and Thanks for all the Fucks

by SoAshamed



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Homestuck Kink Meme, Jake is literally a sex god, Just not a very good one, M/M, Or aware of the fact, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2012-09-18
Packaged: 2017-11-14 13:36:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoAshamed/pseuds/SoAshamed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TT: On a sexual technique scale of one to ten, with one being a "I have never even seen my own cock before" and ten being myself, I would give this guy a zero.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Long and Thanks for all the Fucks

**Author's Note:**

> Homesmut kink meme. Prompt: [Jake is an actual sex god. He's just pretty shit at it.](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/38154.html?thread=39156490#cmt39156490)

_"[...]for, though he did not know it, Jake English was a Sex God. All he knew was that porn actors had very subpar stamina and that he had never gone long with an empty glass at the bar. All the other people knew was that they loved him and wanted to be near him, to cherish him and to fuck him."_  
\--- **Douglas Adams** , A Christmas Carol.

  
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 1:17  


TG: soooooooooooooooo???????????  
TG: ???????????   
TT: Hard to say.  
TG: whats hard 2 say either u got some hot man booty or u didt  
TG: *didn’t  
TT: Well if nothing else I can say there was certainly hot man booty involved on both ends of the equation.  
TG: souds like a success 2 me  
TT: I wish I was as confident in my assessment. This one is a bit of a unique situation.  
TT: If I had to summarize it neatly, I would say it was the best/worst lay of my life.  
TG: best worst  
TG: what did he throw up on ur dick or something??   
TT: No, nothing like that happened. Although if it had I can't say I would have been very surprised.  
TT: I never would have thought it was possible to accidentally become a precision heat seeking missile of failure so suddenly, but he managed.  
TT: On a sexual technique scale of one to ten, with one being a "I have never even seen my own cock before" and ten being myself, I would give this guy a zero.  
TG: woah that bad?? :O  
TT: Maybe that's a little harsh. He did manage to not strangle himself to death with anything so he does have that going for him.  
TT: I'll bump him up to a 0.2 I guess.  
TG: come on o gret judge enlighten me  
TG: how did u come 2 this rating  
TG: u cant just drop those bombms and not follow up  
TG: *bomb jfc  
TT: Let me give you the quick overview then.  
TT: Any other voyeuristic details you'll need to wheedle out of me at a higher cost.   
TG: awww )):  
TG: o k then ill take what i can get  
TT: Well, let's see. How can I summarize this with relative brevity and still relay how mind shatteringly awful the whole fiasco was.  
TT: He stuttered, he fumbled, he tripped over the edge of the bed. He tripped on his pants, he tripped on his underwear. He knocked over the lamp. He knocked both our glasses off the table, he bashed his face off the headboard. He had no idea what to do with his hands half the time or his dick any of the time and there was way too much teeth involved in all manners of business for my tastes.  
TT: Not to mention he couldn't get the cap off of the lube for a boner annihilating three minutes followed by a truly breathtaking display of prowess where he ripped, no I'm not exaggerating, six condoms.  
TG: ell em eff a o!!  
TT: It wasn't half as funny last night, I promise.  
TG: some1 needs to get this guy a shirt  
TG: cuntdom destroyer  
TG: get it???  
TT: I do.  
TG: then thats 1 point 4 ro-lal!  
TG: but if this guy was so crap how was he the BEST/worst??  
TG: was he just off the charts hot then  
TT: Actually, yes he was. I'm sure that were I a fan of playing quarters I would invite him and his amazing posterior to all my parties.  
TG: roltf u and your asses  
TG: must have been 1 hell of a booty  
TT: It was.  
TT: But that's not even the reason why.  
TG: ??? did he pay u???  
TT: Not a cent.  
TG: take u on a yahgth  
TG: *yachht  
TT: He didn't take me on a yacht.  
TG: damn  
TG: paris?  
TT: No, he didn't take me anywhere. In fact I took him to the hotel.  
TG: 10 itch dick?  
TG: *omg INCH  
TG: itch how did that happen  
TT: If it was a ten itch dick it certainly would have been the worst lay of my life. And no, it wasn't ten inches.  
TT: I didn't break out the measuring tape I'd guess around eight and a half or a nine.  
TG: niiiiiiiiiiiiiceee  
TT: That wasn't it either.   
TG: unless this guy baked u fucking cookies w/ valium in the morging idgi  
TT: I almost wonder if he did drug me, but if so it would be the first case of a truly effective aphrodisiac known to man. He shouldn't have bothered wasting it on some guy in the club.  
TT: No matter how wicked rad he was.   
TG: lol dirk u wear sunglasses in the club that is the LEAST wiked rad thing ever  
TG: but seriously im coming up blank  
TT: Well, I guess I can throw you a bone here. But you'll have to bear with me, it's a little hard to properly explain.  
TT: So as I was saying; for a rating of technique, a 0.2. Looks, I'll be honest, he was an easy 10 all the way, but that only carries you so far. Enthusiasm an 8, which didn't exactly work in his favour most of the time. As for his seduction techniques, maybe a 2. He talked like someone who was raised in the twenties. It was charming at the bar but surreal in the bedroom. No one wants to hear gadzooks when you go down on them. But then again he did manage to shut up when I covered his mouth, so there was that.  
TT: And finally on the rating of magic touch, he was over 9000.  
TG: 9000!!!  
TG: what do u mean magic touch??  
TT: It's difficult to really convey the sheer overwhelming impossibility of the feeling, but here's something. I actually creamed my jeans last night.   
TG: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TG: lololololo wut?????  
TT: Those were my thoughts exactly, especially since he wasn't touching me at the time.  
TT: I don't claim to know how, but this man literally looked at me and I came.  
TG: WUT???  
TT: That's actually not the end of it. As I ran through the 15 year old virgin's well practiced spiel on how this really doesn't happen to me, he saw fit to apologize to me for the incident and then said that it wouldn't be a problem and he would be more careful next time.  
TT: After this display of eloquence and mastery all around he touched my arm and the train reversed right back into boner station, population me.   
TG: wait so basically he got u SUPER HOT? and somehow he knos he can get ppl super hot  
TT: Magic fucking touch.  
TT: I don't know what kind of sex gods this guy was worshiping but they blessed him alright, and he needed it.  
TT: Hell, I think I got blessed by sheer proximity.  
TT: Four rounds is pushing it, even for me. And that's not counting the incident with my pants.  
TG: hoppy shit  
TG: wher is this guy i want 2 meet him!!!!  
TG: does he have a friend or a brother or something omfg  
TT: Truth told, I didn't think to ask. I was a little busy at the time.  
TT: But there it is, the strangest one night stand of my life.  
TG: yea i get it now wow  
TG: dang i wish i could meet him  
TG: just 2 see it for myself  
TT: Well I did leave my number, so who knows. He might get in contact with me again.  
TT: If he does I'll make sure to ask if there's any available relatives, friends or members of his cult for you.  
TG: u gave him ur number??? u didnt even give me ur number i had 2 hack ur computer 2 get it  
TT: Roxy.  
TT: He made me orgasm by looking at me. Of course I gave him my number.  
TT: You don't have sex with a veritable sex god and then not give them your number.

\--

Jake English had woken up with a mouth that tasted like the desert, a full body ache that gave the impression he had gone through either a very hard beating or a very intense workout, (perhaps even both,) and a note taped to his face.

While the note was usually found on the nightstand or counter, on the whole the situation was not an entirely unfamiliar one to him. It was certainly not the first time that he had woken up in surroundings that were not his home with a sore body and cotton mouth. He was a young, spry gentleman after all, well entitled to his share of harmless fun. And even though movies had left him under the impression that it was men who bought drinks for women the reality had turned out to be that, more often than not, other people were the ones buying drinks for him.

Of course he hadn't drank all that much at the bar, he usually didn't. Once again movies had left him with the idea that often several drinks were had before one moved to more intimate parts of a relationship, which had also proved to be quite false. At least in his experience, people simply couldn't wait to get to the fun! Which was also fine with him as he liked to remember his liaisons, and last night's was one in particular he was quite glad to be able to remember.

The man he had had sex with had been very pleasant and very, very handsome. Quite tall and strapping in a lean sort of way, with the kind of silver tongued smoothness that spoke to a wealth of experience. He'd bought Jake a generous three drinks as they'd talked idly before he'd casually slid a hand up Jake's thigh and they had left the third drink behind in their wake. His sunglasses had been a bit silly, especially in a dimly lit bar, but he was willing enough to part with them.

What with his sharp gaze and soft spoken intelligence, he hadn't seemed like a man with much patience for errors, but he had been surprisingly forgiving even when Jake had made his usual fumbles in the bedroom. Then again, most people were quite patient with him when did things wrong in bed, but this man had been so very striking and intense in contrast to most. Somehow his allowances seemed that much nicer in comparison.

After a few moments of attempting and failing to moisten his tongue, Jake gave into his curiosity and reached up for the paper taped to his forehead, grinning when he turned it around to find a note addressed to him in neat orange letters.

I don't know who you are, or how last night even happened, and trust me when I say I don't do this often:

This is my number. Call me any time, any place, anywhere, and I will have sex with you.

Dirk Strider  
(281) 416-1231

Well this one was definitely going right into his large black book.


End file.
